Maybe you were stuck on a family vacation, a la National Lampoon, with no TV or Internet connection. Maybe you were 6 Malibu shots deep on a beach in Cabo. Maybe you were out in the world doing something worthwhile and fulfilling, like poking coconuts out of a tree in Nicaragua. Whatever your excuse, I don’t want to hear it. The only thing I want to hear is your praise and thanks, as I deliver to you my own variation of “In Case You Missed It”
As the calendar turns from March to April, we look forward to Easter, the invigorating warmth of the Spring and Summer months, and the impending close of the school year. Likewise, we eagerly await the arrival of baseball, postseason basketball, and playoff hockey. Get your fill now, America, because this exciting period lasts only through May/June.
But we will start, as always, with the NFL.
Over the weekend, Jimmy Buffet held a concert while touting a black and gold “Free Sean Payton” t-shirt, which is absolutely ridiculous and completely inappropriate. First of all, Sean Payton is not enslaved. He does not need to be freed. He is not Tibet. He is the head coach of a football team who got caught rewarding players for illegal/unnecessary hits on opponents. Secondly, he is only suspended for one year, and seeing as Williams is indefinitely suspended (read: forever), it could be a lot worse. Get over it, New Orleans. The franchise messed up. He messed up.
As for you, Mr. Buffet, what is wrong with you? You’re a Saints fan? Awesome. Why don’t you go post on an ESPN comment board about how cute Drew Brees’ son is, and leave the political bullcrap at home? I don’t recall seeing Falcons fans wearing “Free Michael Vick” t-shirts. You know why? Because he screwed up. Vick served his time and I’ll be the first one to credit him for that, and for his on-field skill. It’s not jail time, but Payton needs to do his time regardless.
On a different, equally as enraging note, Ryan Leaf was arrested twice this past weekend. That’s right, twice. On Friday, he was charged with stealing a golf bag, from an “acquaintance,” that housed a number of oxycodone pills. He posted a $76,000 bail. He then proceeded to break into another home and steal more prescription pills. He was brought in again on Sunday after authorities found 89 pills stuffed in a bathrobe pocket. The most surprising part of all this? ESPN managed to find a clip of him throwing a TD pass to show during the story. I didn’t think such a thing existed.
Moving right along. We wrapped up the college basketball season last night, with possibly the most anticlimactic, predictable finale in recent memory. The Kentucky Wildcats finished a 37-2 season with an easy victory over Kansas in the NCAA tournament championship. There was never a time during the year when Kentucky wasn’t in the top 3 in the AP poll, and they only spent 3 weeks in the 3 spot. They took the number 1 spot away from Syracuse on January 23 and they never gave it back. They were the number 1 overall seed. They had the player of the year. And I don’t care what anyone says, they had a great coach in John Calipari. So why is everyone so mad? Because this not what March Madness is about. Example: I participated in three separate tournament challenge leagues on ESPN, encompassing 14 different entries (including my own). Of these 14, only 2 had Kentucky winning it all. It’s just not fun to pick chalk. And in the end, it was Kentucky and Kansas, two of the most powerful and successful programs in history. There was no Butler. There was no VCU. There was no madness. Not in the end.
Personally, I am not upset. I hate to be the old stick in the mud, but I would rather see a team that played well all year and dominated a good conference win a deserved championship. It’s great to watch upsets when we see an underdog take advantage of a better team’s flaws. But Kentucky had no flaws to attack. We all waited for the slip-up, and it just didn’t come. I have no problems with the “Kentucky Koronation” except for the obvious fact that it is a terrible use of the English language.
I don’t want you all to think I’m forgetting about the women. Baylor and Notre Dame advanced through the final 4 this weekend (with wins over Stanford and UConn respectively), and will play each other for the championship tonight. The only thing you need to know is that Baylor’s Brittany Griner has bigger hands than LeBron James and will block any shot taken within a 3.5-mile radius of her.
In NBA news, Jeremy Lin is out for at least the remainder of the regular season. And unless they beat the Bulls in the first round of the playoffs, he probably won’t play again for a while. But the Knicks will make the playoffs, because they have Carmelo Anthony and because the rest of the East is all competing for a lottery spot, instead of the 8 seed. That is where the list of reasons ends. Linsanity is dead, so unarguably dead. I was so, so right and I told you so.
Additionally, the Clippers have won 6 straight, including the destruction of possible first round opponent Dallas last night. And tiny-handed LeBron James defended his 0 assist game against Boston by saying that his teammates need to make shots in order for him to record assists. While that is true, the better answer would have been that he is just a giant, selfish a-hole.
Last night also saw the Los Angeles Kings win 2-0 over the Edmonton Oilers. Goalie Jonathan Quick recorded his 10th shutout of the season (leading the NHL) so, all evidence considered, he is the best goalie in the world. Q.E.D. The Kings strengthened their hold on the Pacific division lead and the third playoff seed and need only to win 1 of their remaining 2 games (both against San Jose) to clinch a playoff berth. San Jose, Dallas, and Phoenix are all hot on their heels, however, with only three spots (and 4 teams total) to go around.
Lastly, on the verge of the regular season, Indians pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez received a 5 game suspension for beaning Troy Tulowitzki in the back during a Spring Training game. I find this ridiculous. How many batters get nailed every season? No one gets suspended for that. It’s part of the game, whether intentional or not. And you can tell me all you want that Ubaldo was bitter that Colorado chose to pay Tulowitzki instead of him, I don’t care. Shouldn’t matter. On the bright side though, this suspension is totally meaningless, seeing as Ubaldo wouldn’t have pitched again for 5 games anyways. So good work Bud Selig, you are practically worthless.
Tune in on Thursday for MLB opening day and support our beloved Padres before they are statistically eliminated in early June.
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