I have decided to eschew my usual Saturday NFL prediction blog post (quick picks will be posted tomorrow morning), in order to pay tribute to someone very dear to me. My sister Taylor turns 20 today, and in her honor, I have assembled a very special collection of memories.
TAYLOR-ED TO PERFECTION: STORIES OF LOVE, COMPASSION, AND BRUTAL KINSHIP
Written by Blake Eaton
Foreword by Blake Eaton
Performed by, Directed by, and Starring Blake Eaton
Foreword: The night of December 12th, 1989 was not a pleasant one. Rain, snow, and hail pounded rooftops as the cold reality of winter bore down upon an unsuspecting public. Temperatures dipped to 20 below zero, and the wind howled like a wolf baying at the moon. Times were tough. The recently instated tax on breathing had drained everyone of their well-earned money. And the potato, sour cream, and chives famines created much despair. The gallantry and excitement of the Reagan administration had faded, to be replaced with the skullduggery and dysfunction of President Daddy Bush. And yet, out of the desolate wasteland, there rose a glimmer of shining hope: a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. This angel, this savior arrived in our world in the form of newborn Taylor Rebecca Brody Eaton. And this is her story.
In terms of organization, I have designed this story in the form of a countdown: Starting with the number 20 (for obvious symbolic reasons) best Taylor moment and counting down to #1. I have no need for transitions, because, to be honest, they are beneath me. I will also attempt to keep the witty banter to a minimum, but knowing myself, I will most likely fail miserably at said task. So, without further ado, we begin!
#20 During my fantasy league’s 2008 draft, Taylor sat in as a representative for one of the members (Johnny McGee) who was unable to make it because he lives in Northern California. She and Johnny talked on AIM, and she relayed his picks to the rest of us. This system worked surprising well and I remain thankful to Taylor for her agreement. The hilarity ensued at the end of the draft when Taylor decided to assemble a crack fantasy team of Adrian Peterson (the OTHER Adrian Peterson), Corey Lekerkerker, and Brady Quinn. By my calculations, her team amassed a total of 49.82 fantasy points that season, landing her, steadfastly, in last place.
#19 Taylor and I used to play in an indoor soccer league at the YMCA. We participated in it for a few years, culminating in the year that our father coached the team, and we went something like 12-1. Ah, such fond memories from our childhood. Of course, I was the remarkably better talent, notching 40-some goals that season. But Taylor was always the faster, and played with wild and reckless abandon. I have a vague memory of her breaking another player’s femur with a particularly ferocious slide tackle, then laughing at him while the paramedics carried him off the field. Taylor always was a highly-driven competitor.
#18 During my sophomore year of high school, Taylor was the Teacher’s Aide for my French 3 and 4 classes. While I do not deny my sister’s prodigious skill in the language, my own skill level had far surpassed most of those of my classmates, creating somewhat of a sibling rivalry (one of many to be talked about in this countdown). The question was not who possessed the higher understanding of the language, but rather if my knowledge was enough to render her assistant useless. It pains me to admit it, but I lost that battle, and succumbed to her infinite wisdom.
#17 Although it may come as a surprise to you now, there once was a time when Taylor was an expert ballerina. She was on track to become the youngest dancer in the New York City Ballet since Alexandria Balachov in 1965. Personally, I am not a huge fan of ballet. I am more of a… heterosexual guy. But I still attended her studio’s production of “The Nutcracker” every year. It was always the same story, and always rather on the lengthy side, but I went anyways. By my count, I saw that production 11 times and I enjoyed 2 things immensely. The first was when someone screwed up noticeably. The second was picking Taylor out of the group and watching her perform.
#16 Aww, aren’t we all feeling sentimental? That won’t last long. After the long-anticipated release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I was able to power through the dictionary-length novel before Taylor was. I don’t remember the exact wording, or exactly why I did it, but I hinted towards the fact the Dumbledore was going to die (If you haven’t read it by now, I’m sorry, that’s your fault). She flipped. That had to be one of the scariest moments of my life. I was afraid to sleep that night for fear that she would sneak into my room with a butcher knife. The best part is, I am NOT exaggerating here. I do not believe I have seen her that mad, save maybe 2 other occasions. She was going to find out anyways right? Someone back me up here.
#15 I don’t even know if Taylor is going to remember this one, but I sure do. It was a Monday night in the middle of the 2003 NFL Season. I was watching the Buccaneers-Colts game. The Buccs took a 35-14 lead with 5 minutes left following a Ronde Barber return TD (any football fans out there SHOULD remember this game). I don’t know why she was paying attention, or how she knew what the outcome would be, but Taylor bet me the Colts would win. Who doesn’t take that bet? Evidently a person who likes money. The Colts won that game 38-35 in overtime, as the Buccaneers experienced a collapse worse than Lindsay Lohan’s career. Taylor made me pay up too. Life rewards the bold, I suppose.
#14 I didn’t actually experience this one, but I heard about after the fact. Taylor used to have my dad drop her off at the back of the SDA campus, to avoid the rush of people at the front. There was an extremely high-security gate at at the back, which was usually opened sometime before the school day. Unfortunately, on this particular morning, it was not. So naturally, Taylor tried to jump the fence, and got her hand crushed in the process. Don’t ask me what happened because it still doesn’t make sense to me, but as I remember, she said it kinda collapsed inward and pinned her hand down. I will leave it at that. Do you want some ice cream with that humble pie, Taylor?
#13 Taylor and I used to take piano lessons from a strange man named Robbie, who told me that playing the piano was a great way to get chicks. By the appearance of his apartment, I would have to disagree. Nevertheless, a natural sibling rivalry erupted and we were soon battling to one-up each other at any opportunity. She liked to blaze through each song and quickly move on to the next, and I preferred to perfect each and take as much time as necessary (that’s the excuse I use to explain why she was ahead of me in the book anyway). So it quickly became apparent that while Taylor knew more songs, I was better at playing them. Eventually, we both began to dislike going to our lessons and our initial excitement faded. But to this day, Taylor can sit down and immediately play the fastest rendition of “Swinging on a Star” you have ever heard. And not to toot my own horn, but I can play the hell out of the “Entertainer.”
#12 Here’s a cute one. Our family used to go to our Aunt and Uncle’s house to celebrate Thanksgiving. The house had 4 or 5 different floors; so naturally, we would play hide and seek with our cousin Noah. I came into the game with better strategy and commitment than Taylor did. But as I have said, she was a fast little devil, and damn near impossible to catch if it turned into a footrace. Because there were only 2 people to seek for, and if you went the wrong way to start with, you were basically toast, one person could remain “it” for hours. As I recall, I was the one who usually ended up as “it.” What was Taylor’s best hiding place, you ask? I believe I once found her in a hamper… but I could be mistaken.
#11 Last April, Taylor decided to come home from UCSB for a few days for our parents’ birthdays (April 8th and 12th). She was coming in at midnight on the coaster, and she wanted her arrival to be a surprise for them. So I told my parents I was going to my buddy Tad’s house, and that I would return the next morning. Little did they know that I would be returned much earlier in the morning than they had expected. (Quick note: In my opinion, I was completely honest with them. I DID go to Tad’s house, and we returned with Taylor around 1 A.M. which is in the morning… so suck it). We returned back home and snuck to the front door. I quietly inserted my key, turned, and pushed the door. Nothing. Didn’t even budge. My father had locked the dead bolt on the door. Embarrassed and discouraged, we called the home phone, and woke up our dad. He came and unlocked the door, at which point Taylor weakly said “Surprise…” I know he was happy Taylor was home, but I think we were all expecting a slightly more… lighted welcome.
#10 I turned this spot over to my brother, Troy, so that he too could pay tribute to Taylor with his own story about her. Here are his exact words, “There once was a little girl named Taylor. She was very, very smart, and then she went to college. Then she went to Italy. She did lots and lots of stuff there. The end.” Nuff said.
#9 Let’s go back to 2001 for this one. Taylor and I were home alone with little Troy, taking care of him until our parents arrived home from work. It was our mom’s first day back at her job at the courthouse, following her maternity leave. Taylor asked me to make Easy Mac for Troy. I was 10 years old ok? Who asks a 10 year old to cook macaroni? Even the easy kind? Unsurprisingly, I forgot to add water to the dry noodles before I put them in the microwave. If anyone has ever put Easy Mac in the microwave without adding water… Oh just me? Well, it wasn’t pretty. It started to smoke and eventually the fire alarm went off and we fled to our neighbors’ house. Taylor was quick to accuse me of burning our house down, which is a gross exaggeration. I blame her for delegating that task to me. You can’t trust a 10 year old me with microwaves and stuff.
#8 Like every other kid on the face of the Earth, Taylor and I used to love Pokemon. We used to play Pokemon, we used to trade cards of Pokemon, we used to eat Pokemon (you heard me). But the one Pokemon-related thing we loved most was the animated TV show. For some reason, unbeknownst to us sane people, they scheduled it for like 5:00 AM. We used to make our parents wake us up at 4:45 every week day for at least 6 months (possibly longer) so that we could watch it (for all you youngin’s out there, this was in the days before DVRs and recording devices. If you missed it, you missed it). I remember one particular episode in which Ash (incidentally, the worst main character name ever) and the gang were looking to catch a ghost-type Pokemon. They went to a haunted building/tower and Charmander (incidentally, the cutest Pokemon ever) got his face licked by a Haunter (incidentally, the most disturbing Pokemon attack ever). Good times, good times.
#7 Anyone out there a Sister Hazel fan? Anyone heard the song, “All for you”? If anyone has an explanation as to how someone can sing that song WITHOUT a southern twang comparable to Billy Ray Cyrus after 14 Miller Lites, I would love to hear it. As our mutual friend Anna Plumlee can attest, Taylor and I do not hold back when this song comes on. If anyone needs a musical act for their wedding, bar mitzvah, or Super bowl party, do not hesitate to contact us.
#6 Growing up as an avid sports fan, many of the video games I played were sports-oriented. Taylor was not so interested in Madden or March Madness so I played against the CPU in most of those. However, there was (and is) a game that we agreed on wholeheartedly. A game that is right up there with the greatest of all time. A game which encompasses everything you could want. I speak, of course, of the Super Smash Bros. franchise. I can vividly remember one occasion on which we decided to partake in the pure chaos of a 99 life battle. I want to say it took us upwards of 150 minutes to complete the fight, with the outcome of a Blake victory (what were you expecting?) I had something like 146 kills in that fight (I say "something like" to appear humble or indifferent. In reality, I know it was EXACTLY 146), but of course Taylor had to taint it by saying that she became tired with the brawl and allowed me to win. A likely excuse.
#5 My favorite comedy TV show (and possibly my OUTRIGHT favorite) is undoubtedly Scrubs. I feel as though I know Zach Braff better than anyone in the world. And if I should ever run into him in real life and find out that he is not actually like that, my life will be ruined. Are you listening Zach? Ruined!!! Anyways, Taylor and I have seen every single episode they have made. We spent hours upon hours watching episodes back to back to back to back and revelling in the comedic genius. As we all know, anything is automatically 630% funnier if you have someone else laughing at it with you. It's just a fact. Except for Al Roker. Then it's 19400% funnier.
#4 Last summer, Taylor, myself, our mom, and the previously mentioned Anna Plumlee went to the Del Mar horse races. It was the first time I could place bets there... legally. And I was rearing to make me some money. I didn't do so well. I didn't even make it back to even. But Taylor, oh ho, Taylor made out quite nicely. She picked a few horses she liked in the 2nd race and decided she wanted to try a "Trifecta Box." Explanation is probably needed. A "Trifecta" is where you pick 3 horses to come in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd and they have to come in that EXACT order (Example: If you bet a 1,5,7 trifecta, a 1,5,7 finish is a win, a 5,1,7 finish is not). And a "Trifecta Box" is where you pick 3 horses, but they can come in first, second, and third in ANY order (Example: If you bet a 1,5,7 trifecta box, both a 1,5,7 finish and a 5,1,7 finish are wins). You may be asking yourself, so why wouldn't you ALWAYS do a trifecta box? Becuase my friends, if you enter in a $2 trifecta box, the computer places $2 on EACH combination for those 3 horses finishing in the top 3. So it becomes a $12 bet. This is exactly what Taylor did. She admitted afterwards that she did not want to spend $12 and that if she had known it was going to do that, she would NOT, I repeat NOT, have made the bet. And what should happen? She wins $900. No I'm not bitter.
#3 When Troy was just a little lad, he had one of those little yellow floaties babies can sit in in the pool. Just to clarify, Troy was not the bravest of kids, so he would not have done well in water by himself... Just pointing that out. Taylor decided it was either funny or intelligent (and I really hope it was the former) for her to hold Troy on her lap while SHE sat on top of the floatie. I told her not to, but did she listen? No. Mere seconds after she had positioned herself on the floatie, it slipped out from under her and she kinda flipped off. Sacrificing Troy to save herself, she dropped him into the pool FACE DOWN. He flapped there for a few seconds until someone had the COMMON SENSE to grab him (it was me, I was the one with common sense). Taylor is lucky he didn't drown that day.
#2 My first distinct memory. In our old house, the upstairs bathroom had two seperates doors. One connected it to our parents' bedroom, and the other to the hallway. We used to chase each other through the upstairs area and slam the bathroom doors behind us (in a very dangerous attempt at slowing the other down). One day, Taylor evidently thought it would be funny to lock the doors behind her, but not close them. Think about what happened when I (a 2 year old child) slammed the doors shut around me. They both locked. I tried opening the door to our parents' bedroom. Locked. I tried opening the one to the hallway. Locked. I possessed neither the intelligence nor hand-eye coordination to unlock the locks. I began to cry. Taylor, now appalled at what she had done, became panicked and naturally started vomiting (... don't look at me, I'm just recounting the story). Imagine our parents' surprise upon finding their children crying, one locked in the bathroom, and one vomitting uncontrollably. I assume that's one of the moments in which they regretted having children.
#1 You know what's coming Taylor. You have been dreading it the whole time. You have been wondering when this moment was going to show up on the list, but you haven't seen it yet. You know why? Because it is the single greatest moment we have ever had. I will never be so proud of you, as I was in that moment. A few years back, I invited my buddy Spencer Sheridan over to watch some football. This was during that awkward time when everyone actually thought "Your mom" jokes were funny. Spencer and I had been making them all afternoon and Taylor decided she had to get in on the action as well. She sat there, concentrating hard, waiting for the perfect moment. Spencer, in the act of going up the stairs to the kitchen, stumbled and Taylor pounced like a tiger. She blurted out "Your mom can't walk up stairs!"... Spencer's mom was paralyzed in a car crash and uses a walker. Ladies and gentlemen... Taylor Eaton!!!
Hope you had a great B-day, and I hope you enjoyed the memories as much as I did.
Much love,
Blake Eaton
