Expect the Unexpected, But Also the Expected

There are no certainties in the world of sports. We compile mounds of data from past events. We build confidence in certain teams and develop unease with others. We believe with all our hearts and all our heads that any particular game should go the way we think. And what does that mean? Absolutely nothing.

As humans, we like to think that we have control over everything, that we can figure everything out if we try hard enough. But the truth of the matter is, there are moments in sports that are completely and utterly incomprehensible, and that neither have nor need an explanation. And even though these moments happen all the time, we are continually and genuinely surprised when they do.

With this in mind, I salute Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos for accomplishing what they did. Young team, loads of determination, the will to win, division champions, playoff victory, etc. etc.

But all I can say is... Thank GOD its over.

Now I haven't done the proper research here (and really, there's no way that I could) but Tim Tebow is probably the worst quarterback to ever win a playoff game. This is statistically speaking of course, not even I could deny Tebow's heart and ability to motivate. But it is extremely difficult to watch your own team, equipped with an all-pro QB and as much talent as anyone could ask for, lose out to a guy who couldn't win the starting job over Kyle Orton at the beginning of the season.

I don't know what I would have done had the Broncos beaten the Patriots last weekend. And luckily, we will never have to know. That may very well have been the worst sports-related moment of my life. Worse than the 2010 San Fransisco Giants. Worse than Matt Holliday not touching home plate. Worse, perhaps, even than the 2006 Chargers.

But thankfully, the New England Patriots put to rest any thoughts of a Cinderella ending. And I mean PUT. TO. REST. The Patriots dominated the Broncos in every single way, and although the scoreboard may have read 14-7 at one point in the 2nd quarter, there was never a time when the outcome was in doubt. Despite the fact that the Broncos overachieved more than any team I root for ever will, I have no sympathy for the victims of the 45-10 drubbing. The Broncos FINALLY got what they had coming. They finally got what we expected all along.

Moving right along, I usually dedicate my blog posts to recapping the previous week's games and looking forward to the next. But now I have a podcast that does that for me and I really don't think you all want to hear the same analysis here. So I'm changing things up a little. For my amusement, and for your enjoyment, I have put together a ranking of the 4 remaining teams based on 8 crucial elements. For each element, a team will receive 1-4 points (and points are good, the more points you have, the better you are. This is not golf. What a backwards sport that it). Let's take a look at the scoring breakdown.

Element #1 - Regular Season Performance

Patriots (4 points) - The Patriots had a record of 13-3, and were the premiere offense of the AFC. Their only losses came to the Bills (a fluke stunner) and 2 playoff teams in the Steelers and Giants. They also finished the season with an 8 game win streak.

49ers (3 points) - The 49ers were also 13-3 but I gave a slight edge to the Pats because their schedule was considerably tougher. 2 of the 49ers losses were to teams that didn't make the playoffs (Cardinals and Cowboys) and their third was a terribly dull game against the Ravens where they looked like crap. The 49ers also had an 8 game win streak, from week 3 to week 11.

Ravens (2 points) - The Ravens finished at 12-4 and snagged the 2 seed in the AFC, but it was a weak 12-4, in my eyes anyways. ALL of their losses came to teams that missed the playoffs (TEN, JAC, SEA, SD) but then again, they only played 3 games against teams that did make the playoffs (PIT x2, SF).

Giants (1 point) - The Giants went 9-7 in a real roller coaster of a season. They started 6-2, topped off with a 24-20 win over the Patriots. They then proceeded to drop 4 straight games in convincingly terrible fashion and seemed to be dropping out of the picture at 6-6. However, they rallied to beat Dallas twice in the last 4 games and round out the year on a 3-1 kick.

Element #2 - Playoff Performance (thus far)

Giants (4 points) - The Giants have easily been the most impressive playoff team, and it's not even close. Not only did they dominate a Falcons team most of us thought they would, but they also dominated a 15-1 Packers team that NOBODY thought they would. You may have thought they were going to win, but you didn't think it would go down like that. They are the only team of the remaining 4 that has played twice, and they are only gaining more momentum as time goes on.

49ers (3 points) - The 49ers also climbed a tall mountain this week, cutting down the high-flying Saints. They are just a tiny step below the Giants here because they had a first round bye and they played at home, whereas the Giants had to go to Green Bay.

Patriots (2 points) - The Patriots did score the most points last week, but they only get 2 points here due to level of competition. A 2 point win over the Saints OR a 17 point over the Packers is far more impressive than a 35 point blowout over the Broncos.

Ravens (1 point) - The Ravens were the least impressive team of the 4. They were outplayed by the Texans offensive and defensive lines and their offense was as flat as day old beer. They lucked into a 20-13 victory because T.J. Yates and Jacoby Jones were both secretly competing for the next season of "The Mole" (that was a great show by the way, look it up if the joke doesn't make sense).

Element #3 - Quarterback Attractiveness

Patriots (4 points) - I was awfully tempted to give all 10 points to Brady and give 0 to everyone else, but that would go against the rule I just created that says you can't do that. Oh well. Tom Brady has a face that could only have been crafted by angels. His hair flows like liquid gold, cascading down his head like a waterfall of beauty and prestige. Also, I have it on high authority that he is a VERY good kisser.

49ers (3 points) - Alex Smith is alright I guess. That was one of the better pictures I could find. He kinda looks like an elf, but a cute elf.

Ravens (2 points) - Joe Flacco looks like a slightly bemused owl.

Giants (1 point) - Ewwwww.

Element #4 - Fan Craziness

Ravens (4 points) - Take a look at this fan. Look at the symmetrical face paint, the delicately dabbed nose. Look at the wardrobe, so painstakingly assembled for maximum aesthetic attractiveness. He owns at least 34 pieces of Ravens regalia that can be worn around the neck, which he displays with the utmost pride. But, the coup de gras is the apparent chef's hat decked out with the Ravens logo, begging the question, is he actually or a chef or is he just impersonating one?

Giants (3 points) - The Giants fans clearly win in terms of literacy. See here as they have masterfully assembled a sextet of devoted fans to each display a letter of the alphabet on their stomachs. As improbable as it may seem, these group of New Yorkers have arranged themselves, perhaps by luck, perhaps by skill, in an order that spells the word "GIANTS". The Giants fans get docked points because they didn't paint the letters on their bodies, they just pasted them upon their clothing. Despicable.

Patriots (2 points) - The costumes here are simply impeccable. The hats are great, the costumes complete with capes. And they are completely matching, which is a feat not so easy to achieve when you think about the intricacies of the attire. So you may be asking yourself, "Blake, why did they only get 2 points?" The answer is quite simple, my friends. Look at their faces. They are entirely unenthusiastic. Patriots fans, as a species, have become complacent. When you win 3 championships in 4 years, winning just doesn't fulfill the need anymore. You need domination and destruction, you want the other team embarrassed beyond repair. The fire no longer resides in their eyes, but in their lower abdomen because they probably ate too many Foxboro chili dogs.

49ers (1 point) - Now this is just embarrassing. Firstly, you need to decide on some common hand signal because you all look silly. I see some clenched fists, some "rock and roll" index-pinkey combos, some single finger "we're number 1" signs, it's really all over the place. And while some people look excited, some just look genuinely confused. And on top of everything, there is a gentleman in the front row, just to the right of center sporting a Stanford sweatshirt and San Jose Sharks hat. The only piece of 49ers memorabilia he actually owns is the visor clenched firmly in his hand, which is not traditionally where one would put a visor.

Element #5 - Frightfulness of Mascot

Giants (4 points) - This is the clear winner here, seeing as the other 3 are two groups of people from different time periods and a bird. But the Giants would be a strong contender against most of the NFL in this category, probably only facing a challenge in the form of the Titans.

Patriots (3 points) - I only put the Patriots above the 49ers because being a Patriot involved more fighting than being a 49er. Side Note: This is using the definition of "patriot" as one who defended and fought for our nation during the Revolutionary period, as is depicted by the Patriots old tyme uniforms.

49ers (2 points) - Hey, some of them were very nice people just trying to make it in America.

Ravens (1 point) - As for the Ravens, I actually wasn't quite sure how dangerous ravens are, so I turned to Google. Upon searching for "are ravens dangerous?" 8 of the top 10 responses were related to the Baltimore Ravens and not the birds themselves, but I did find an intriguing forum post on a website called Pigeon Talk:

Hi anyone, My 36 days old pigeon, who had been born on my balcony, flew away some 5 days ago. I've seen him all by himself on the roof of nearby buildings with ravens flying around him. The never attacked him to my knowledge but I've done quite a bit of worrying about it. Actually, his mother joined him today so that I don't think I need worrying about it anymore but, just for my education I'd like to know if he were ever in danger. Does anybody know anything about ravens? Thanks for listening. Gladys

Well that clears that up. Thank you for your wise words Gladys.

Element #6 - Legitimacy of Stadium Sponsors

49ers (4 points) - The 49ers stadium has gone by many names. 3com Stadium. Monster Stadium (not the energy drink or the job searching website, but instead Monster Cable). And finally Candlestick Park, which receives it name from the site of the stadium itself (Candlestick Point). The beauty of the naming of candlestick park is that despite sponsors continually stealing the name away, it has always returned to good ol' Candlestick. It is pure and sincere. It was the choice of the fans. It lives on without 3com and Monster, it is an entity all its own.

Patriots (3 points) - Gillette, the best a man can get.

Giants (2 points) - Metlife, they've got you covered.

Ravens (1 point) - M&T Bank... Really Baltimore?

Element #7 - Quality of Fight Song/Celebration Song

49ers (4 points) - The song is called "We're the 49ers" and it was sung by the 1984 49ers team. It is awesome, it is original, and it is funky fresh.

Giants (3 points) - "New York Groove". Kind of a strange song, not really something you can picture being blared out of stadium speakers after touchdowns. But the overall theme of the song is cool and it is definitely related to the team.

Patriots (2 points) - Definitely the most popular song of the bunch - "Elevation" by U2. It is undoubtedly a great song, however, it has absolutely nothing to do with the Patriots. The only team it could possibly work for is Denver. I don't believe the elevation at Foxboro plays much of a factor.

Ravens (1 point) - The Ravens Fight Song sounds like a collegiate fight song, which would be fine it if wasn't awful.

Element #8 - Fertility of Head Coach

Giants (4 points) - Tom Coughlin is, in the words of Usher, "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed." The Giants coach, with his wife Judy, has produced 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. And apparently he passed on his fertility to his children, because all 4 of them are married and have made a total of 10 grandchildren for Papa Coughlin. Coughlin also gets bonus points because one of his son-in-laws (Chris Snee) is his starting right guard.

49ers (3 points) - Jim Harbaugh ain't too shabby himself. He has netted a total of 5 children, split between two wives. Nice versatility there, Jimmy.

Patriots (2 points) - Bill Belichick started out strong. He was married to Debby Clarke for 28 years and, with her, produced 3 children. However, they divorced in 2006 and while he has been rumored with several different women, he has not remarried. The sleeveless hoodie look is clearly not working with the ladies.

Ravens (1 point) - John Harbaugh has one daughter and his wife's name is Ingrid... Ingrid.

Final Tally
49ers (23 points)
Patriots (22 points)
Giants (22 points)
Ravens (13 points)

According to my fool-proof, fail-safe ranking system, we will witness victories by New England and San Francisco this weekend, and a highly competitive Superbowl, with the 49ers taking the ultimate prize. And they probably have that awesome theme song from the 80's to thank for it.