I would just like to point out that Edward has Matt Schaub as his fantasy QB and that is why the Texans have the "best offense in the league". By the way, Matt Schaub is BARELY a top ten QB, Steve Slaton has not played enough to deserve the title of top ten RB, and if you really think about it, "Top Ten" really means they are in the top 1/3 of the league. And just becasue you are better than 66% of the competition doesn't make you the best offense ever. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Anyways, I am going to continue my NFL guesswork by rounding out the AFC. Here we go.
AFC East
This division was not nearly as hard to determine as the previous two. With the return of Tom Brady, the Patriots have leapt back up to the top of the heap, and if he is healthy, they run away with the division. The Dolphins snuck past everyone and took the division last year, but even without Brady, the Patriots were the better team.
1. New England Patriots
Predicted Finish: 13-3
The Patriots do not face a difficult schedule this season. Their division is not bad, but they are on a higher level than everyone else. The only challenging games I see on their schedule are Baltimore, Tennessee, and Indianapolis. And even if they lose all of those, they would still finish with the league's best record at 13-3. Wes Welker and Randy Moss lead a potent pass offense and they always seem to get it done on the ground even though Maroney has yet to show us he is a breakout player. Even though the defense does not contain numerous big name stars, the Patriots always seem to come together as a team and put in a top 5 defensive effort.
Impact Player: Tom Brady
Well duh. I mean come on, Tom Brady is, in my opinion, the best quarterback in the league. And with all those rings already, he's probably locked up a spot in the greatest QBs of all time. Look at it this way: The Patriots were 11-5 last year with Matt Cassell at the helm. Imagine how much better they will be with Brady leading that same group. Unless his leg goes out again, he should go for another 40 TDs this year.
Chances of Winning Division: Fantastic
Like I said, the Patriots shouldn't encounter much opposition from their division. They are not going to get blown out by 5 TDs against the wildcat formation seeing as every offensive coordinator has come up with one and every defensive coordinator has devoted hours upon hours to setting up defensive packages against it. If Brady plays all 16 games, the Patriots win the AFC East. Period.
2. Miami Dolphins
Predicted Finish: 8-8
It looks to me like the Dolphins face a very difficult schedule. They face New England twice. They also have to play AT San Diego, AT Atlanta, and AT Tennessee, not to mention home games against Pittsburgh and Indianapolis. I don't think they will win more than 1 or 2 of all the games listed above, so I think they would be lucky to come out at .500. It's too bad that a team who provided such a fun Cinderella story last year is gonna get pounded worse than Tila Tequila and Rhianna at a belt convention. Oh look at me, I'm so cool because I make fun of women who have been domestically abused. Real classy, Edward.
Impact Player: Ronnie Brown
I don't believe in Chad Pennington. I think he had what I like to call a "One-hit wonder season" last year. I'm afraid he is going to drop off more than the Baja Men (remember them? Those genius lyricists who came up with "Who Let the Dogs Out?", a song consisting of 5 words and a funky Jamaican beat). Anyways, Ronnie Brown is gonna have to do most of the work, seeing as Ricky Williams will probably be too busy inhaling bongloads to help out. And don't think this means Wildcat all day long, oh no. Brown needs to do some more old fashioned running, between the tackles, to carry this team.
Chances of Winning Division: What are the chances of Tom Brady re-injuring his leg? I'll put it about even with that.
Let's be frank. The Dolphins are terribly weak when it comes to passing the ball. Ted Ginn Jr. is NOT a number 1 WR. I'm sorry he's just not. If anything, he's a young Wes Welker, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. And after Ginn Jr., we have guys like Davone Bess (whom I had not heard of until midway through last season) and Brian Hartline (whom I have NEVER heard of). And their defense is fantastically average. Anyone who expects a repeat champion in the division is dillusional.
3. New York Jets
Predicted Finish: 6-10
The Jets are going to lose their first 4 games. Mark Sanchez is going to get booed more than Chris Brown at a convention for womens' rights. They then have a chance to win the next four against Miami, Buffalo, Oakland, and Miami again. And they could head into their 9 week bye with a 4-4 record and a slightly more optimistic outlook. However, they are going to get wrecked at the end of the season. Sanchez's rookie-ness is going to shine through and the pressure from all the fans is going to get to him.
Impact Player: Mark Sanchez
I know I just berated him with criticism, but the Jets put all of their eggs in the Sanchez basket when they drafed him. I, along with this relatively savvy man named Pete Carroll, don't think he's ready, especially for New York. He IS the New York Jets this season and if he can't produce, the entire state is going to throw a fit.
Chances of Winning Division: Unmistakingly Disappointing
New York Jets fans may be the most proud people on the planet. They think they are going to be the best all the time, every time. And they have a cocky attitude about it. I am guessing we have Joe Namath to thank for this. The point is, the fans will quickly realize that they do not have a chance this year, nor any year in which Brady is playing in New England. A wide-spread depression is going to run through the state like wildfire when Sanchez throws his 6th pick in week 3 and gets thrown to the ground by Kyle Vanden Bosch. Just watch...
4. Buffalo Bills
Predicted Finish: 4-12
Nobody cirlces the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. Good for them. Now maybe they should focus on playing football. With no Marshawn Lynch, who happens to be the second best player on the team, for the first 3 games, the Bills will, more likely than not, start 0-3. Even after that, they play the highly talented AFC South and and the offensively impressive NFC South. Their defense is terrible and Trent Edwards is just... not very good. Terrell Owens, Lee Evans, and Marshawn Lynch create a nice little trio but there is absolutely no one else on that team worthy of mention.
Impact Player: Terrell Owens
Terrell Owens is lucky that Chad Ochocinco also plays in the NFL. Because anyone standing next to Chad Ochocinco looks like a prince. Or anyone standing next to Prince Fielder, for that matter. Anyways, even though T.O. sometimes pushes the envelope, he brings a lot of talent to the talentless wasteland known as Bufallo. I think he is the reason they win 4 games. He is a gamechanger in every sense of the word. But he alone is not enough to lift the Bills into contention.
Chances of Winning Division:
If the Bufallo Bills win the AFC West, I will eat, not only my hat, but my left shoe and my favorite pair of jeans as well.
AFC West
No contest. None whatsoever.
1. San Diego Chargers
Predicted Finish: 12-4
I am not being biased here, the San Diego Chargers HAVE to win this division. I'm not sure if there has ever been a division like this. Meaning that EVERYONE knows who is going to win, and we are all so certain that it's not even funny to pick anyone else to win it. I don't even know where to start, this team is so stacked. Rivers, LT, Gates, Vincent Jackson, Merriman. And that just scratches the surface. This team is LOADED and the rest of the division is so bad, I feel dirty letting one of them have second place. I feel like they should all just get last...
Impact Player: Darren Sproles
It's not as though the Chargers are going to come anywhere near losing,unless they all come down with swine flu, but it will be interesting to see the running back tandem of LT and Sproles. As much as I hate to admit it, LT is getting old, and if we push him too hard, he's gonna get hurt again. I'm not saying that he and Sproles should split carries 50-50, but Sproles should be more involved this season.
Chances of Winning Division: Disgustingly Good
I can't even think of anything witty to say here... It's already over. Start printing "San Diego Chargers AFC West Division Champions" T-shirts.
2. Kansas City Chiefs
Predicted Finish: 7-9
The only reason the Chiefs will be anywhere close to .500 is beacuse they, like the Chargers get to play the AFC West. Due to the addition of Matt Cassell at QB, who is really better than we have all been giving him credit for, they are just a smidge better than the Raiders and Broncos (and yes, "smidge" is the right word for this situation). They also play Cincinnati, Cleveland, Bufallo, Jacksonville, and Washington, all games in which they can compete. No one really knows how Larry Johnson is going to perform, and the defense is, once again, dreadful.
Impact Player: Matt Cassell
Who knew that the Patriots were hiding an undiscovered gem on the bench all these years? Well, Bill Belichick probably did, but did anyone else? I know it was just one season but he was fantastic coming in as a backup. If it weren't for the Dolphins' (2008 Team of Destiny) timely unveiling of the Wildcat formation, he would have led the Patriots to the playoffs. Although they will not be close to catching the Chargers, I could see Cassell landing some punches against the San Diego secondary. Unfortunately. they unloaded Hall of Fame tight end, Tony Gonzalez, greatly restraining Cassell's otions.
Chances of Winning Division: Horrible
Like the New Radicals, they are in need of a miracle.
3. Oakland Raiders (Blake's Surprise Pick of the Century!!)
Predicted Finish: 5-11
I am being so nice to the Oakland Raiders, and I don't even like the Oakland Raiders! I am giving them 5 whole wins this year, just because I respect Darren McFadden. I say they will have a chance of beating the Broncos (2), Bengals, Browns, Chiefs (1 out of 2), and maybe an upset against Washington or Houston. I decided to slide the Raiders ahead of the Broncos because they were dumb enough to unload their FRANCHISE QB because he and new owner Josh McDaniels had a little spat. Idiotic.
Impact Player: Darren McFadden
I sincerley believe that Darren McFadden is going to be a real good player in the NFL. I would liken him to Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman. A very bright talent on a horrible team. He may be able to win a few games for the Raiders all by himself. Jamarcus Russell just isn't translating well to the pros. He has a great arm but his performance has been less than stellar. And the defense is... ok, but not great. And a defense really can't win all by themselves. The offense eventually does HAVE to score, no matter how good the defense is.
Chances of Winning Division: None. Zero. Zilch. Goose egg.
I think this one is self-explanatory.
4. Denver Broncos
Predicted Finish: 4-12
The Denver Broncos are just terrible. They were all lined up for a playoff run last year, when they absolutely fell apart, losing their last 4 games, including a loss to lowly Buffalo and a difinitive trouncing by the Chargers. And instead of going out and finding the missing piece, they ship off their best player (Jay Cutler), which in turn, upsets their second best player (Brandon Marshall). So Cutler is in Chicago and they get... Kyle Orton in return??? Who the hell authorized this trade?? And how much cocaine were they on??? Also, Brandon Marshall doesn't want to be there anymore and for the life of me, I can't remember who their starting RB is (if I ever knew, that is).
Impact Player: Champ Bailey
This is the one and only defensive guy I have as an Impact Player. Why? Because the Broncos defense was... was... I can't even find the right word to explain how bad they were last season. Downright abysmal. And I don't think that's even strong enough. The offense is in shambles and Champ is going to have to step up if they want any chance at competing. They have talent on the defensive side (Champ is probably the best corner in the league) but they have to put it all together. Still, they have no chance at catching San Diego.
Chances of Winning Division: Worse than the Detroit Lions winning the Superbowl.
I know it sounds funny, but that is NOT a joke. That is 100% serious.
Coming Soon: NFC
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