Misleading titles that make you forget that I haven't written a blog post in nearly 7 months aside..... how are you guys? Feels like a long time since these magic fingers have tickled the plastic. Meaning you've been stuck reading smucks on ESPN or FoxSports who have huge databases and editors/publishers/coworkers at their disposal, in order to create the most succinct and enjoyable sports journalism experience. And nobody wants that. No! I know what the people want. A 20 year old college student with nothing more than a MacBook and his prodigious skill, sitting on his twin-sized bed in only his boxers, addressing the most important needs of the sports world. And who am I to deny the American public what they want?
Without further ado, let's dive right into the murky waters of the National Football League.
For a surprisingly upset-heavy start to the football season, we have a completely unsurprising trio of teams at the top of the latest power rankings. Of course, the top spot is held by the Green Bay Packers (6-0) who are so good that they played the second half last week blindfolded and still beat the Rams by 21. Did anyone else notice that Aaron Rodgers was throwing left-handed? No? Oh well. Then you have the New England Patriots (5-1) who should be undefeated, if not for a 4 Int game from Tom Brady, who probably won't throw 4 total the rest of his career. And we round out the top 3 with the Baltimore Ravens (4-1) who have some sort of Benjamin Button shit going on with that defense, because I swear to god they all must be 50 by now but they keep... getting... better. The Saints, Chargers, and Steelers sit at spots 5,7, and 8 respectively, which means that 6 of the top 8 ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE.
But here's the surprise. The 4 spot belongs to the NFC West Leading San Francisco 49ers (5-1) fresh off a victory against the 6th ranked Detroit Lions (5-1). How pleasant. How quaint. How nice to see the teams that Barry Sanders and Jerry Rice played for finally picking themselves up out of the mud. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Firstly, that game last week was uggggly. Lots of field goals, lots of mistakes. The Lions, up 10-0 very quickly really should have won. Give kudos to the Niners, but I'm still not entirely convinced. Secondly, neither team has really beaten a good opponent. The closest thing would be the 49ers 48-3 destruction of Tampa Bay, but I definitely wouldn't put the Buccaneers in my upper echelon of teams. As for the Lions, the only game they won handily was against the lowly Chiefs, who have more problems right now than a math book (GET IT?). If you look at week 3, we see the 49ers in a high-excitement 13-8 game against Cincy, and the Lions needing overtime to beat the Vikings by 3. Maybe I just need to see a little more from them before they can be in my top 8.
Interesting side note here. Look at this post from May 4, 2009. See that part where I threw in off-hand that Patrick Willis would be the MVP of Superbowl XLVI? Yeah, that was 900 days ago. And yeah that's this upcoming superbowl. And I'm not saying the 49ers are going.... but hey, they ARE 5-1. That kind of prediction only comes true once in a lifetime, unless you're me. In that case it happens all the time. One day you are predicting the super bowl MVP almost 3 years in advance and the next you're calling a 9-run inning (EXACTLY 9 runs) before it happens. For confirmation, email Joe at blakestradamus@gmail.com (not an actual email address, but Joe was there, it happened).
After that top 8, it gets a little dicey. You have the Raiders, who I actually think are good. They have finally discovered the Trent Dilfer corollary and have assembled a machine that works regardless of who is taking the snaps (Read: Darren McFadden is really good). Then the Bills, who I do NOT think are good, probably heading towards a mid to late season collapse and an 8-8 finish. And then you have a mish-mosh of teams with 4-2, 3-2, or 3-3 records who look like the real deal one week and then get spanked by 35 the next. You have the Giants, Buccs, Titans, Bears, Redskins, Jets, Texans, Bengals, and Falcons who all fit into this weird middle ground territory. I mean, would you bet on any of these teams to make the superbowl this year? To win a playoff game? To win their DIVISION??? It just seems to me like the divide between contenders and pretenders, between the haves and have-nots, between the upper 1% and the lower 99% has widened significantly so far this year. Maybe that's what the Occupy Wall Streeters are all up in a fuss about... probably all Jets fans.
And then we reach the bottom feeders. Started off surprisingly by the Eagles and Cowboys (who we'll get to in a second). But then encompassing all to familiar faces in the Seahawks, Browns, Chiefs, Panthers, Cardinals, Broncos, Vikings, Jaguars, Dolphins, and Rams. With the exception of the Panthers, not much light at the end of these tunnels. Unless you believe in Charlie Whitehurst. Unless you believe in trading your best receivers away so your new starting QB has no one to throw to. Unless you believe Brett Favre and his tiny dick are gonna make a comeback, you may be out of luck for the next 5-10 years. Or you might be sucking for Luck.
Side note: Cam Newton is an exceptional talent and just so freaking exciting to watch. That team's just not there yet. It's too bad he's not getting more wins, he deserves them. That defense can't give him any help.
Now we have "America's Team" and "The Dream Team," currently 2-3 and 2-4, sitting at the bottom of the NFC East. If you're a Cowboys fan, I have nothing for you. Maybe Tony Romo's cursed? The way they lose football games is so gut-wrenchingly terrible, it really is hard to watch. Maybe your fortunes will turn around? I don't know. Hang in there. As for the Eagles, if anyone told you the ship has been righted by that win over Washington, you have been egregiously lied to. Look at the stats. Michael Vick had a wholly mediocre game - 18/31, 237 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT (+ 54 yards rushing). LeSean McCoy, who continues to play at a high level went for 126 and 1 TD. And Jeremy Maclin notched a 101 yard performance on 5 catches. But there was no... BURSTING OUT. They should have won this game by 40 points. Rex Grossman had 9 completions to his own team, and 4 to the Eagles defense. The Redskins, as a team, rushed for 42 total yards. The Redskins were 1-10 on 3rd down. The Eagles had the ball for over 38 minutes. Should I keep going? I saw highlight after highlight of "The Eagles big win," and I was the only one who seemed to notice that the final score was 20-13. Do you think the Patriots win that game 20-13. No, the Patriots win that game 56-3. The Eagles cannot put anyone away. They tried so hard to give that game away but Rex Grossman said "No thanks, I'm good" as he threw another ball into Kurt Coleman's stomach. I think something is still terribly wrong in Philly. And we are going to find out with big games against the Giants, Cowboys, and Patriots coming up on the docket.
For those of you keeping score at home, I have placed 31 NFL teams into their proper cubby hole, but one remains glaringly absent. The team at the very bottom of the list, the single 0-6 team in the NFL; the Indianapolis Colts. OHHHHHHHHHH boy. What. A. Story. Has one player ever meant more to his team than Peyton Manning? Probably not. He calls the plays, he reads the defense, he makes the decisions. He IS the Colts offense. Is there any doubt that a healthy Manning would have this team at AT LEAST 4-2? And now they have no offense, which is a problem because they also have no defense. When the Colts go 0-16, I want the MVP award given to Peyton Manning. No joke. We have never realized just how good Peyton Manning was. This will cement his legacy, possibly as the greatest QB of all time (certainly up for debate in my mind).
Welcome back aboard Blake Airlines, make yourselves comfortable. I'll be back shortly to take your complimentary drink orders.
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